In the spirit of Tiger Woods and other fallen stars, WSJ's Peter Jeffrey offers his version of the professional apology.

For Immediate Release:  The Absurdiatrics Institute today named Peter Jeffreys of the Wall Street Journal as the first recipient of its Absurdinati Award.  The award will be given each year to the person who best elucidates the The Ten Principles (which appear below) set forth by the Institute's founder MahatmaCoy.  Mr. Jeffreys' award is for his goofin' on the type of professional apology used by image damaged celebrities, the latest being the golfer formerly known as Tiger.

Jeffreys employs Principles 1, 2, 3 and 4 in his wry and sardonic send-up.  With respect to Mr Woods, the Institute believes strongly principles 9, 7, 10 and 8 will become more relevant to him with each pasing day.

1.   Call BS on the stupidly arrogant.
2.   Pie the pompous.
3.   Relentlessly harass the humorless.
4.   Self-deprecate on a daily basis.
5.   Laugh at the self important.
6.   Play the back nine first; one always plays better on the back nine.
7.   Not only is there no free lunch, lunch is almost over.
8.   Donate your ashes to science.
9.   Practice outercourse.
10. Pay the piper but stiff the drummer.